Did you always know?

Did I always know that my son was gay, the answer is no.  I did know that from the minute they laid him on my chest and he relaxed in my arms that I completely and utterly loved him.  He was my first son, shy, loving and with a mop of curly hair.  However, it wasn’t until I had my second son who was all boy, who loved cars, and sports and action figures, that I fully realized that my first son’s softer temperament was different from other boys.  He did not always fit in and my heart ached when I watched him having difficulty making friends not truly understanding why.  All of my children have different personalities, but his loving of art, his sensitive nature, his love of flowers did not intimidate me, and I haven’t really told him, but his searching and thoughtful nature more so endeared him to me.  I love my son whole hardheartedly and at many times felt him my closest ally.  And for years it was painful to watch my husband, who loves all of his children, be filled with a deep consternation that he did not know how to communicate with our first son, a son who did not like cars and sports and action figures, yet still dearly loved.  I wished that as my son was growing up that I had more awareness, I wished that I had realized sooner that my son was gay, I wished that I had known that he was so unhappy, but mostly I wish that I could take back all of the years of misunderstanding and sorrow and just hold my son close to my chest and feel him relax in my arms with complete and unconditional love. I wished that I had realized sooner that my son was gay.

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